Sunday, January 1, 2012


Hi internet, it's been a while.
So it seems, after all, that the world did not end at the split infinity of a second following the end of December 31st, 2011.

Fun fact: This year, 2012, will end on a Monday. Today is Sunday. Is that relavant? I don't think so, actually.

I'll be taking a slightly different direction with my "hello, new year!" post than everyone else probably is. I don't want to summarize my year of 2011. I don't want to reminisce or some crap like that. Instead, now is a perfect opportunity to reflect on my faults and what I did wrong, for it is in your own faults that you may eventually find the way to a better self.

I spent way too much time doing nothing.

When I say "nothing", though, I don't mean I loafed around being entirely unproductive, although I admit there was quite a bit of that as well. What I mean is that I spent too much time trying to be productive and not being productive. I would agonize over a careful plan in my head, trying to come up with a perfect solution to a problem. I told myself I didn't do this, too. Yes, I denied that I did this to myself, which I now see fed the problem due to my own denial.

And then I was too inhibited. I often let inhibitions, reservations, fears, doubts, pressures, etc. overcome me and reduce me to an unproductive whiner machine. And trust me, I whined to myself a lot. Spending too much time being inhibited by these feelings further fed the problem because I was not able to get anything done. I didn't deal with these problems, and they self-perpetuated. Just how it goes, I guess.

I also let my doubts maim my confidence. Confidence is a surprising key to creating good work. Sometimes someone can have the potential within themselves to do great things, they just need the confidence--the belief in themselves--to realize it. For a long time I confused confidence with arrogance, I must confess. But now I see the difference.

Upon reflection, it's apparent to me that these problems were not separate, and such is the way of things. I felt that, recently, as I identified and attempted to deal with one of these problems, the others would lessen too. The connection was obvious.
Ultimately though my problems manifested into a boulder. But it was not just any boulder, it was a boulder I drug with me on my shoulders. Not only did it slow me, but it fatigued me and drained me. And now I'm casting off this boulder. I'll always remember the boulder, though. I'll remember my experiences with it, so that in the future I know not to put another boulder on my shoulders, because I know how badly it affects me.

Peace out, internet.
Have a great year.
I hope you may all realize your flaws,
and overcome them.

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